Joke Of The Day Sticky: Updated Daily!

[SEO Nick]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.

[SEO Nick]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
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After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

[SEO Nick]

I MAY have posted this before.. I can't remember

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"
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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.
________________________________

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[layla17]

The first one was great. The sad thing is it often true about the managers and software engineers.

[Fort Lauderdale]

When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[SEO Nick]

lol... good one!

[RyanRE]

LOL.... that was a good one. I haven't heard that joke before.

[SEO Nick]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

[bajadawn]

These are too cute for words. I'll have to remember these.

[kevinhuntley]

Its always good to sit back and just laugh for a second. Nice job.