Jokes

[thataway61]

West Texas Cowboy
A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image-processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, then turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business . . . Now give me back my dog.

[SEO Dave]

Hahah!

Let me think of a good one and I'll edit this post.

Edit: here we go-

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me
five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches
his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five
beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and
will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then
the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will
grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?"

[Propertyconsultants]

here is a good one


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[pcdoc]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

~~__o
~~_\<_
~~~(_)/(_)

[thataway61]

Medical Examinations:

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to
> > have her
> > >baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
> > lifted the
> > >lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
> > noticed that
> > >there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one. Submitted
> > by Dr. Mark
> > >MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
> > an elderly
> > >and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
> > breaths," I
> > >instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
> > Submitted by Dr.
> > >Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
> > a wife that
> > >her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more
> > than five
> > >minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
> > that he had
> > >died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan
> > Steinberg,
> > >Manitoba, Canada
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
> > his
> > >cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
> > trouble with
> > >one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
> > nurse told me
> > >to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
> > places to
> > >put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
> > I wouldn't
> > >see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the
> > instructions
> > >include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
> > Submitted by
> > >Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
> > asked, "How
> > >long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
> > confusion she
> > >answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
> > was alive."
> > >Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your
> > breakfast this
> > >morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
> > can't seem to
> > >get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see
> > the jelly
> > >and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
> > Submitted by Dr.
> > >Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young
> > woman with
> > >purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
> > variety of
> > >tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
> > determined
> > >that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
> > for immediate
> > >surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
> > table, the staff
> > >noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
> > there was a
> > >tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
> > completed, the
> > >surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
> > said, "Sorry,
> > >had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > AND FINALLY!!!................
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
> > quite
> > >embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
> > embarrassment
> > >I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
> > middle-aged
> > >lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
> > laughing and
> > >further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
> > sheepishly said, "I'm
> > >sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the
> > song you were
> > >whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr.
> > wouldn't submit
> > >his name

[Fort Lauderdale]

Cal:
Those are too funny!

[thataway61]

HARVARD READING TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D
department at Harvard University. Take your time and
see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

Good Luck!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each
line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist
passing it on.

[thataway61]

MEN BEWARE OF THIS TERRIBLE NEW SCAM!!!!
I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall
parking lots.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One
starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window
and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of
her blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and
then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as
soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her
breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.

This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't
find them on Saturday or Sunday.

[MikeDammann]

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After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush lets the kids ask questions.

“How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?” asks one boy.

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. Half an hour later the kids come back in.

“Where were we?” says George. “Oh, yes—does anyone want to ask me anything?”

A different boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, lastly, where the hell is Billy?”

[thataway61]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush lets the kids ask questions.

“How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?” asks one boy.

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. Half an hour later the kids come back in.

“Where were we?” says George. “Oh, yes—does anyone want to ask me anything?”

A different boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, lastly, where the hell is Billy?”

He who laughs last doesn't get the joke! I had to read this one several times to get it. Man, I am slow!