[BrandonSternfield]

#3 was hilarious though it shouldn't be

[SEO Dave]

Short one today since Nick is lazy (or busy )

How do you catch a polar bear?



First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

[SEO Nick]

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
___________________________________________

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
_______________________________________________

WARNING: Slightly Vulgar
------------------------



A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[SEO Nick]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
_____________________________________________

Q: What's the best time for a dental appointment?

A: Tooth-thirty.
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you're first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She's a doctor.”

“That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

'Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, “I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

[BrandonSternfield]

#1 and #3 were good. #2 was corny and gave me a tooth ache

[SEO Nick]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[Dan Connolly]

I think the second one from yesterday should be tooth hurty!

[SEO Nick]

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
__________________________________________________ _

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."

[SEO Nick]

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”

[BrandonSternfield]

...and on his farm he had a horse..

Seriously, the song is in my head now. Make it stop!