A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

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A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.

The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''
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A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

"Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "Never, my dear."

The wife said, "I''m sure you would."

So the husband said, "Okay, I would"

"Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked.

And the husband replied, "I suppose so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

"I doubt she''d want to," the husband said. "She''d be so much thinner."

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Nicholas May | Creative Linking | Real Estate Webmasters

#2 was google's :P

#3 was AWESOME!!!!!!! x infinity

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If you're not remembered, you never existed.

Stupid Thieving Google :|

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Nicholas May | Creative Linking | Real Estate Webmasters

1. too gross for me

3. great! haha

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Jim Olenbush, ABR, CRS, GRI
Broker / Realtor

Austin Real Estate

# 1 was funny, ...kinda gross...
# 2 is old school!
# 3 is ok...

(I guess I am still young and naive enough to imagine/hope that people who get married can stay happy together... )

I do like some marriage jokes when they are not specific to the relationship itself...(these are probably old ones)


1) The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."



2) The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."


3) At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

#3 for both posts = big thumbs up from me!!

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Jennifer Karlen & Jon Karlen
Kentucky Horse Farms - Louisville Kentucky Real Estate - Lexington Kentucky Real Estate
Serving the Louisville KY metropolitan area including Jefferson County - Prospect Shelby County - Shelbyville Oldham County - Goshen, La Grange and the Lexington KY metropolitan area including Fayette County - Lexington Woodford County - Versailles Scott County - Georgetown Jessamine County - Nicholasville

Kathleen-

Those were old but good ones, especially the cuckoo clock!

I'm very happily married, but I think #3 is funny because women really do lay in bed and think of upsetting things to ask men about. I saw Seinfeld recently and he said his wife would ask him stuff like, "What if you faked your own death, and I found out about it... what would you say to me then!?!?" with a tone like he was already in trouble for it. So that joke just sounded like one of those situations - she is getting ready to get mad about some hypothetical situation with the clothes, and then getting a sharp reply.

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Jim Olenbush, ABR, CRS, GRI
Broker / Realtor

Austin Real Estate

oh I see...I dont think Ill ever be like that... At least I sure hope not!

I'm super lighthearted and happy-go-lucky. The last thing I ever want to do when I'm lying next to my boyfriend is argue or ask un-happy questions.