Joke Of The Day Sticky: Updated Daily!

SEO Nick · 08-21-2007, 08:55 AM

Hey All.

I figure this is a better way to do the jokes of the day... in one big long sticky post so it doesn't clutter up the laid back chat section.

Joke Of The Day - August 21/07

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
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A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

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A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.

When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "Oh, on my nuts."

jasoncrouch · 08-21-2007, 09:01 AM

The third one actually made me laugh out loud.

BrandonSternfield · 08-21-2007, 09:09 AM

Man.. the 2nd was great, but I have to agree with Jason, #3 was awesome.

Fort Lauderdale · 08-21-2007, 11:18 AM

Ok - get ready to cringe....

How do you know when you've pissed off a female bartender????

When you order a bloody mary and there's a string hanging from it

BrandonSternfield · 08-21-2007, 03:43 PM

In regards to Fort Lauderdale's joke, there is another set up for a similar punchline, along the lines of 'what do vampires use for tea'.

BrandonSternfield · 08-22-2007, 08:40 AM

I have another naughty joke:
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and
a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing,
when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse
whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the
farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the
ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still
had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him.

After tying the other end to the
rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment,walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy
and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks"

SEO Nick · 08-22-2007, 08:53 AM

Joke Of The Day - August 22/07

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''

After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.

This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''

Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
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There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."

One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."

Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."

Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"
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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."